The Struggle is Real.

I'm going to put this out there because I've become very self conscious about the way I look. Some may see it as a poor pitiful me story... but it's real.

Here's my story.

In 2011 I was given the opportunity to train with a personal trainer for free. I was his guinea pig because he was new to the area and had no clients.  So I worked my butt off. I lost 70 pounds while training with him. And then I lost an additional 25 on my own. I did really well at maintaining and ran every day. I attended zumba, took taekwondo, and worked out several times a day. I swore to myself that I would never gain it back. 

Well... I have gained half of it back because I got tired, burned out, and lazy. I started eating junk again.  It is so hard to get back on track. The struggle is real.  

For those of you that post your successes and eating right, keep it up.  It helps people like me. I once was one of those people. Thank you.

And when you see me in public, please don't judge. And look at me like I'm a failure. Because I do enough of that on my own. I don't feel like I look cute anymore, so i don't bother to try. I'm working on it and it's a slow process. Like I said, the struggle is REAL. And ice cream is so good.

You've Got Mail......

      This past Saturday morning....July 19, 2014...I awoke from my slumber to do the normal routine. I turned my Jawbone to "awake" mode, picked up my phone to see if I had any missed calls or text messages and then I decided to do something that I only do a few times a week.  Check my email.  Usually it's junk...hence the reason I hardly ever really check it.  As I'm scrolling through, I notice an email with the word "adoption" in the subject blank.  I'm like...ok? So I look at it, and it is from a lady looking for her daughter. She wants to compare..."information."  And she signed her name.  Immediately panic mode sets in.
     I am thinking to myself....this is not possible.  I have never, ever, ever tried to find my birth family, and how did this woman find me? I replied with a simple email containing 7 words. "What information would you like to compare?" By this time, the blood has drained from the upper part of my body, and I guarantee my face was as white as a ghost. This couldn't be happening! In the meantime, after all, she DID sign her name...so I begin the frantic search to see if this woman is real. Guess what? She is. Human. Woman. Real.
     The first thing I find is an old facebook page with a profile picture and that's about it. She has short brown hair (like me), couldn't tell the eye color, but she had glasses on. By this time, the blood has drained from the rest of my body all the way down to my toes.  I'm pretty sure about this time, I was trying to catch my breath.
     Now...it's Google's turn. I google her name. A few pages down from the search results, I find a gofundme page where this woman is looking for her daughter who she believes was taken from her, when in fact the doctors had told her that her baby had died.  She believes her baby was taken in a black market adoption scam.  By this time, I'm starting to regain the feeling in my body as I realize that I am not this lady's missing daughter.
     By the middle of the afternoon, after reading her page and knowing more about her story...the emotions come raging in like the tide during a full moon. The tears begin to fall.   I sit on the sofa, while my husband hugs me and my dog Coda licks my face frantically as I cry. I begin to feel relief and sadness all at the same time.  I'm relieved that my life will not be altered in any way, but I am sad for this woman. I cannot begin to tell you all of the thoughts that are racing through my head at this moment...but I can tell you that my head was full of chaos with extreme love for my parents, sadness for this woman, thoughts of my birthmother, etc.  My mind wouldn't stop.
     I replied to the woman via email one more time.  The email read like this:

     "I found your page and read your story. As you can probably imagine, your email this morning really shook me up.  (Here is where I told her when and where I was born....omitted for personal reasons.)  I was told that my biological mother was 17 when she had me. My parents went through a private adoption attorney who handled many adoptions in the same city.  I weighed 6 pounds 12 oz. when I was born. I don't believe that I am your daughter, but your story has me intrigued.  And I hope and pray that you find your daughter.  I honestly don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed for myself.  I've thought about my biological mother from time to time, yet I've never found the courage or the strength to try to look for her.  I have been extremely blessed by the family that God gave me and know they are the parents I was meant to have.  They have been truly amazing.  I do pray that you find your little girl. Just as I pray that my birthmother is alive and well, even tho I may never meet her. God bless you."


    I received a reply from her apologizing for any disruption or inconvenience she may have caused in my life. And she will continue to search for her daughter. 

     Even though I've always known how blessed I am, this day sure did put it in to perspective.  My parents will never understand the depth of gratitude that I have for them.  They'll never comprehend the amount of love I have in my heart for them.   I will never be able to make them realize how much it means to me that they never once treated me any different than a child or daughter that hadn't been born to them.  Looking back to my past, I never once felt that I wasn't biologically theirs.  They loved me and STILL love me unconditionally.  They raised me in a Christian home, where I came to know the same God that they knew and loved at the young age of eight, the same God that allowed me to become their little girl and the same God that gave them to me as parents.  For this I am thankful beyond words.
     Somewhere out there, there is a woman who gave up her daughter so that she could live a happy life.  That same woman, who was just a young teenager at the time, had more guts than a lot of people have today.  That woman performed THE most selfless act that a human can possibly imagine by letting her child go, because she couldn't raise her baby alone.  She gave her daughter a real chance to thrive.  And because she let that child go, no matter the pain that must have existed in her heart at the time, that little girl has a life, a beautiful and blessed one, with a mommy and daddy that gave her more than a little girl could ever dream.
     There is one thing that my real parents and my biological mother and father have in common.  It is LOVE.  Unconditional and selfless love.  Love for a child that is immeasurable.  While one woman loved her baby so much that she was willing to let go, so that her child could live, another man and woman received that same child with more love and kindness than they ever knew they could give.

And for these acts of love...I will forever and ever, from the bottom of my heart to the top, be grateful. 

It Has to Start Somewhere....(Intro)

So I'm starting this blog to post my thoughts, basically.  Going to use it as a place to ramble and vent, praise and pray, talk to myself and anyone who wants to listen (or read).  There is no focus to this blog, whatsoever. It is simply here for me to scribble (or type) my random thoughts, share stories and experiences of my very blessed life.  You never know what you might find here...if you look.  So with that said..... Welcome to my blog. :)